Gothika (2003)

A criminal psychologist awakens to find herself a patient in the institution where she works, with no memory of the murder she's accused of committing. As she tries to regain her memory - and her freedom - a vengeful spirit manipulates her. 

This is an awful film, full of plot holes and poor acting. The ending is sudden and unexpected and downright silly. Even the ghost does not understand the plot! The majority of scenes do lend themselves to a slightly uncomfortable mood, but most of the shocks are just the same old build up of dramatic music then the mandatory pop up scare. I love a good scary phsycological thriller but this one left me confused and laughing at the suddenness of the ending. I was left wondering if the producers had run out of money or something.The acting is cheesy and uninspiring. I don't even know what Downey's character had to do with the plot, it was as if he had paid somebody to be in it. This is an easily forgettable film!

I'll give it 1 out of 10 stars.

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

When an eccentric millionaire offer a group of opposites $1,000,000 to spend the night in a so called "Haunted House" with a murderous past, they figure it is a quick way to get quick money and leave. All of them are sure it is some made up story just to mess with their heads a little and test their courage. But, once they stay in the house they start to think about the mistake they made in coming there when mysterious things start to happen.

Well...I suppose this film was meant to be scary, uncanny and perhaps even ineresting, but it was a total failure. The first 30 minutes were OK, but then it went downhill, and in a really impressive way. I tried hard not to fall asleep, because the rest of this so called "horror movie" was so boring and annoying, it`s unbelievable! Compared to this one, even a Jackie Chan film has a fascinating plot! 

If you want to waste some time go watch this, otherwise...avoid it!!

I'll give it 2 out of 10 stars.

Identity Thief (2013)

Sandy Patterson gets a nice call confirming his name and other identifying information. The next thing he knows, a spa in Florida is reminding him of his appointment, and his credit cards are maxed out. With his identity stolen, Sandy leaves his wife, kids and job to literally bring the thief to justice in Colorado. But keeping tabs on the other Sandy and run-ins with bounty hunters, is harder than he was expecting, and ultimately the cross-country trip is going to find both Sandys learning life tips from one another.

I could do an entire essay on why this film sucked, or I could just save the time and say it completely sucked. This was a horrible film, I don't know what happened to Jason Bateman but I no longer find his humor relevant anymore. Seriously, this was an awful film that was supposed to be a comedy, but I did not laugh, not even once during the whole film. I just felt that this was a truly horrible film. The plot was terrible, simply because why would you ever fall for some random number calling you for personal information in the first place? You have to be one total idiot to fall for schemes when someone calls you asking for your social security number. I watched the whole movie with the hopes of laughing hard in a scene, but I ended up wasting 2 hours of my life that I would love to have back. I do not know what went wrong, was it the script, poor directing, choice of actors, or the poor delivery? While this may be relevant to some, I just felt like I was watching two idiots the whole movie. This is probably the worst film I have seen Jason Bateman in, it just seems like he has the same humor in all his movies now. Melissa Mcarthy, please start accepting some good roles, you are way funnier than this. 

Conclusion: don't waste time watching this movie...trust me. ;)

I'll give it 2 out of 10 stars.

LOL (2012)

In a world connected by YouTube, iTunes, and Facebook, Lola and her friends navigate the peer pressures of high school romance and friendship while dodging their sometimes overbearing and confused parents. When Lola's mom, Anne, "accidentally" reads her teenage daughter's racy journal, she realizes just how wide their communication gap has grown. 

If there's one word to describe this movie, it would be crap. In no way are there any redeeming qualities in this "film" as it is filled with a stupid plot, horrible dialogue (if you can call it that), banal acting and overall crap. The whole thing is a deception; it looks like a low-budget made-for-TV film that, ironically enough, should have been a made-for-tv film in the first place!!! I'm sorry, but after Hanna Montana and the hateful film that followed it, Miley Cyrus's career as an actress is pretty much in the toilet. Only a wickedly hardcore Miley Cyrus fan would watch this because any self-respecting movie-lover would stay clear away from this hell-hole of a movie.

I'll give it 1 out of 10 stars.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Two pretty but ditsy American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany, they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day, they awaken to find themselves trapped in a terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However, his three "patients" are not about to be separated but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric systems. By doing so, he plans to bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy, the human centipede.

This is probably the craziest idea I've ever heard, which got me extremely intrigued. 

First of all, there are things to enjoy about the film. The crazy surgeon at the centre of it all, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), has one of the most unusual faces I've ever seen, and therefore makes a great horror villain. His stoic and Nazi-like behaviour is hilarious, sometimes unnerving, and often very camp. The surgery scenes, and the inevitable "oh no, I need to shit!" moment are delightfully cringe-inducing, and watching Heiter gaze longingly at a picture of his dead three-dog is just plain weird.

Yet at the heart of it all, it's nothing more than a run-of-the-mill horror, with dragged-out set pieces, an overlong stalk-around-the-house scene, and a rather poor climax. The eventual unveiling of his creation is also rather tamed, with the key gruesome areas covered up. I mean, how good can a film be where the victims are joined through the gastric system and are forced to shit in each others mouths? Saying all that, I will be watching the sequel.

I'll give it 5 out of 10 stars.

A Serbian Film (2011)

In Serbia, the retired porn star Milos is married with his beloved wife Marija and they have a little son, Peter, that is their pride and joy. The family is facing financial difficulties, but out of the blue, Milos is contacted by the porn actress Lejla that offers him a job opportunity in an art film. Milos is introduced to the director Vukmir that offers a millionaire contract to Milos to act in a film. However, Vukmir neither show the screenplay nor tell the story to Milos. Milos discuss the proposal with Marija and he signs the contract. But sooner he finds that Vukmir and his crew are involved in sick snuff films of pedophilia, necrophilia and torture and there is no way back to him and maybe it is too late to protect his family.

Allow me to start by saying I enjoy bloody horror films, in fact I often seek them out. My credentials for this review are well in order. Now. Allow me to explain why A Serbian Film is not that fantastic.

Here is the thing about creating a violent and scary film movie: it is all about pacing. Sure, I want to see something truly messed up, but it is all about how it is presented to me. Let us point to a movie that is in no ways considered violent or a splatter film. Let us take The Shining, for example. The film has limited violence throughout, sets up with great tension, and then shows me a guy getting killed. Although the death is in no ways violent compared to A Serbian Film or even most other films in the horror genre, I find it more disturbing in that it builds tension and then shows me something graphic. 

Now, call me foolish for comparing one of the greatest horror films of all time to A Serbian Film, but I feel the comparison necessary because this is where this film fails. It sends you shocking imagery rather quickly and, before you know it, you just don't care and find yourself writing this film off as another splatter film that tries too hard. Sure, the level of sexual violence may intensify throughout the film, but it is hard to be fearful of the next shocking scene when you know it will likely be a similar Human Centipede idea. The violence in this film sounds like a bunch of 13-year-olds trying to come up with something gross.

I'll give it 4 out of 10 stars.

"Horrible Bosses" (2011)

Nick hates his boss, mostly because he's expected to work from before sunrise to after sunset and his boss, Mr. Harken, calls him out for being a minute late and blackmails him so he can't quit. Dale hates his boss, Dr. Julia Harris, because she makes unwelcome sexual advances when he's about to get married. But Dale is on that pesky list of child offenders so he can't quit. Kurt actually likes his job and his boss, well, up until his boss dies and the boss's coked-out, psychopathic son takes over. But who would be crazy enough to quit their jobs in such poor economic times? Instead Nick, Dale and Kurt drunkenly and hypothetically discuss how to kill their bosses, and before they know it, they've hired a murder consultant to help them pull off the three deeds. 

I thought the cast was excellent. I feel Kevin Spacey played the perfect slave-driving-high-school-bully-type character perfectly. I also loved Jennifer Aniston portraying the horny, slutty, hot dentist. But my favorite of the three villains was definitely Colin Farrell. He was, without a doubt, the funniest character in the whole movie and I loved how he tried to "trim the fat."

I also believe the three protagonists (Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day) were perfect for their selected roles and each one complemented the other two. I also love how in the beginning of the movie, Charlie Day was seen as the idiot character while the other two were much smarter. Then later on, he proves himself to be an invaluable member of the group by getting them off the hook with the police temporarily only for Jason Sudeikis to remember he stuck his boss's toothbrush up his ass leaving DNA behind. Oh, and how can I forget Motherfucker Jones? This guy literally charged the three guys $5,000 to be their "murder consultant" only for them to find out all he's ever done to get into trouble was video piracy.

Overall, this was a great dark comedy with an ensemble cast and in my opinion, the best comedy film of 2011. It sure beats Take Me Home Tonight, Arthur, Hall Pass, and The Hangover Part II. If you enjoy watching a dark concept being acted out in the most comic ways, you should definitely see this movie.

I'll give it 7 out of 10 stars.